Joke of the day! (No Memes)

A BRAND NEW movie is coming out about mobile homes.
I just saw the trailer.
 
This just in from CNN: Anonymous sources reported that War has broken out early this morning between Texas and Oklahoma along the border formed by the Red River.
It has been reported that the Okies were throwing dynamite sticks across the river in an all out assault.
The Texans quickly responded by lighting the dynamite sticks and throwing them back.
So far, it is unknown if there are any casualties from this skirmish except for one unfortunate duck that was hit while swimming desperately to the wrong side.
It won’t go to waste though as the Okies will have it for Thanksgiving dinner.
More details as they become available.
 
Marry her if she says: I enjoy long romantic walks at a Car Show and Home Depot
 
As I lay rubber down the street I pray for traction I can keep but if I spin and begin to slide...Please Dear Lord protect my ride
 
I almost dropped my phone on my soft carpeted floor, but thank god I have lightning fast reflexes and was able to slap it into the wall instead.
 
People are out here living their lives, but no one is addressing the fact that there’s a D in “fridge” but not in “refrigerator.”
 
It's not true that women get a belly button ring
so that can hang an air freshener.
 
As a boy I could climb any tree I could find and run for miles on end.
These days I steady myself before I fart.
 
My wife shouted, "You never listen to me, you only hear what you want to hear."
So I told her, "Sure, I'll have a beer."
 
Ladies. If your date remembers the color of your eyes after the first date,
Your tits are too small.
 
Never argue with a woman.
They remember stuff that has not even happened yet.
 
Why does everyone hate vegans?
I've never had any beef with them myself.
 
I once told my wife I’d spend my whole life trying to make her happy.
I didn’t think I’d live this long.
 
A recent survey indicated there are only 25% of single women in sexual therapy.
This sad result says there are 75% of single women going untreated.
 
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